The List
by Unknown-Bliss
Summary: PreS1 Ianto-Centric Ianto makes a list of ten things to occupy his time and everything that possibly could wrong, does. Final Task: Finish Task 1.
1. Task 1: Clean the Hub

**Ah, I finally I have a new idea! My oneshot ideas have pretty much run dry, especially since I recently finished my big ol' project. But no! I have pulled something, inspired after looking over some Torchwood fanarts on deviantArt. So, the premise? Ianto compiles a to-do list for his Torchwood duties. Each chapter will be about one of the ten things he lists. So it will be ten chapters long. I only intended this to be a oneshot at first, but you don't mind, do you?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood. Ever. Terrible grammar. Yes. Ever. And ever.**

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Ianto had noticed from day one that the Hub's cleanliness was beyond redemption. That didn't mean he couldn't try making it any better. His real duties had already started (if you could call them duties…). Mostly, he made coffee. Otherwise, he'd be in the archives, trying to figure out where to start or up in the tourist centre, greeting the average 3.5 people a day. Sometimes, Ianto disliked statistics. How do you end up with 3.5 people? One would think that at least one person walked in carrying a pair of dismembered human legs every day. Another thing that made little to no sense: how, after having a pterodactyl (who was, in fact, a fast learner and was already behaving like a somewhat non-violent prehistoric animal) for three weeks, the Hub floor was not littered with various pterodactyl wastes?

Ianto'd have to do something about that later. He put it on his mental list. _1) Attempt to clean however many decades worth of filth while there is time to do so. May or may not include scraping alien slime from the walls. 2) Make coffee. 3) Avoid Owen. It is now established that he can be particularly nasty. 4) Investigate Myfanwy and how her fecal matter seems to just be disappearing. Look further into the suspicion that one of the team is using questionable alien technology to keep waste from landing on their desks. Prime suspect: Owen. 5) Ignore number three, due to the fact that because Owen is a suspect in misuse of Torchwood tech, he will have to be confronted. 6) Ask Jack why something must be added to the SUV. It has enough already, almost to the point of being gaudy. 7) Make coffee. Again. Regardless of differences, this is still Torchwood. But apparently, Torchwood Three members have at least 75 percent caffeine in their blood… Compared to Torchwood One's measly 35 percent. 8) Buy a notebook of sorts, preferably one of those small, black, flip-over ones. Good memory or not, a written list might be a bit more convenient. 9) Remind Jack about the paperwork that needs to be finished. 10) Repeat number one if failed the first time. If a notebook is indeed purchased and in possession, let this list become the last will and testament of this Ianto Jones. Suspicions that the unidentifiable pile of rotting rot that has been festering in the corner may be alive and willing to eat anything seeming very plausible at this moment._

_If I am eaten, let it be known that the coffee machine should remain untouched after my parting. I've become quite attached to it and I'd rather not have it blown up when I'm gone…_

Ianto sighed. He really needed to shorten those mental lists. He would have to remember to write it down when possible.

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Some time afterwards, Ianto found himself, feather duster in hand, scouring the entire hub for dust. Despite the fact that they were at a highly advanced secret alien catching organization, he had not, as of yet, found any cleaning implement other than the ratty feather duster. In reality, it was little more than a few artificial feathers on a stick. Somehow, Ianto found it baffling how that was the only thing that could be used to clean the Hub. There wasn't even a vacuum cleaner! Being that this was the first time Ianto had a chance to clean up around the Hub since he joined, he would have to remember to buy a vacuum cleaner, heavy duty bleach, and numerous other cleaning products.

Dejectedly, Ianto stared at the near-useless feather duster and sighed. This would take up the whole day!

Jack'sofficeJack'sofficeJack'sofficeJack'soffice! Oh, how much Ianto wanted to avoid that room. As amazing as it smelled (just like Jack), that place was a danger zone, and Ianto was sure he'd emerge with _some_ kind of fatal injury, if he came out at all. There was no way to be sure what was in Jack's office.

Slowly, Ianto pushed the door open, the hinges creaking ever so slightly. He imagined himself in an old fashioned horror film: A black and white Ianto stares nervously into the dark abyss that is Jack's office. He gulps, clutching the feather duster tight to his chest, eyes wide. Ominous music plays in the background, telling the audience that something terrible will happen. Ianto wipes sweat from his forehead taking a tentative step forward… Another step… He is almost engulfed in shadow… Suddenly, he is pulled completely into the darkness and never seen again. The others of the team come looking for him sometime later, but all they can find is an abandoned feather duster covered in the Welshman's blood…

Ianto shook his head, banishing the ridiculous thoughts. It couldn't be that bad. True, he'd been in there a few times, nearly crying at the mess, but how hard could it be? It wasn't like he would find a weevil in a dress named Gonzales hiding on one of the shelves, ready to engage him in a semi-naked masked wrestling fight before he could even think of eradicating the dust bunnies, who, by the way, would be cheering Gonzales on.

Once again, Ianto shook his head furiously. He was starting to believe that he was spending too much time at work. The Torchwood fumes (for he was sure there were some) were getting to his brain. Either that, or Owen had spiked his drink with a psychotropic drug. The latter being far less likely.

Bravely, the Welsh tea-boy took a step into Jack's office. Surprisingly, it was cleaner than he's remembered it. The only problem was how everything had a thin layer of dust covering them. It was now apparent that Jack was a pack rat. He got the junk, touching it only once or twice afterwards, leaving it to gather dust.

Ianto sighed once more, staring disparagingly at the worn duster. Would it be up to the challenge?

Hesitantly, Ianto began the grueling task of cleaning the office. The continuous motion of the feather duster was making him sleepy. Back forth back forth back forth… His eyes were drooping. He really should not have stayed up all night filing those papers. It came to the point where Ianto was no longer aware of what he was dusting. Unconsciously, he swept over every surface of Jack's office. He was at the final section when he accidentally knocked something down. Ianto gasped, discarding the feather duster to save the fallen object. He was still the newbie and there was no way he'd let himself get on Jack's bad graces. Unfortunately, Ianto had very bad luck. In the second he had to rescue the object, he saw what it was. There was a cylindrical container with bubbling blue liquid in it. Inside the bubbling liquid was a hand. A human hand.

"Ah!" Ianto reeled backwards impulsively, allowing the glass container to shatter.

The unidentified fluid splashed over his new shoes, soaking them through. At that point Ianto didn't care. Instead, he was staring at the wet, twitching, severed human hand. He was starting to have serious doubts about the pros of joining Torchwood Three. If the leader was crazy, keeping hands in his office, was it really a good idea to stick around?

"Ianto! What the hell did you do?!" Ianto heard Jack's voice cry. His head whipped around to face his boss. Jack was standing in the door, staring, aghast, at Ianto. He must have heard the crash.

"I'm-" Ianto started. He was about to apologize when he realized something. He watched as Jack ran to the hand, cradling it in his own. "Sir? Why do you have a… a hand?"

Jack, now kneeling near Ianto, looked up and glared at him. "What were you _doing_?"

"I was cleaning! I accidentally knocked it over," Ianto defended. "Why do you have a hand?" he asked again, slightly scared of what the answer would be.

Jack exhaled loudly. "This is… This is very, _very_ important to me. That's all you need to know," he said quietly. His face was dead serious.

Ashamedly, Ianto focused on his soaked feet. "I'm so sorry, sir. If I'd known it was important, I'd have been more careful." He felt bad for assuming the worst about Jack. This was Torchwood, for God's sake. There were bound to be weird things. Right? Right.

_Great job, by the way; getting on the boss's bad side,_ Ianto thought cynically.

Jack shook his head. "It's fine." He then looked up, eyes locking with Ianto's. A sudden, wide grin spread across Jack's face. "As long as you give me something later in return," he purred sultrily. He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Immediately, Ianto got to his feet, rushing to the door. Of course. He should've known Jack would do something like that. He'd been setting himself up for that.

_This is for Lisa, this is for Lisa, this is for Lisa, this is for Lisa,_ Ianto repeated over in his head like a mantra as he sped from Jack's office o' doom. He could feel his face burning as he contemplated how he simply _knew _something would go wrong and why he bothered in the first place, seeing as he _knew_ it would end in disaster.

He kept his eyes glued to the floor, making sure not to make eye contact with anyone. Of course, that meant he was bound to run into someone. That someone being Toshiko.

The Japanese woman let out a squeak of surprise, as she had not been paying attention either. Both of them fell to the ground.

"Sorry, sorry," Ianto muttered. Three weeks of Torchwood, and Ianto had yet to say more than two sentences to the woman. In his defense, she talked to him even less.

"No, my fault," she assured. She looked up at the Welshman. "Are you okay? You look a little…"

Ianto realized his face must've still been red. "I'm fine." He pulled himself up, offering a hand to Toshiko. "I was going to make coffee," he said, recalling number two of his mental list. "I assume you'll be wanting a cup?"

Tosh pat down her clothes, straightening them. "Yes, thank you."

Ianto nodded as Toshiko returned to her computers. "Coming right up," he muttered under his breath.

He let out a great sigh. Task one: Failed. To be revisited. Task two: Make coffee.

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And there we have it! The first chapter, and probably the longest, of my new ten chapter fic! Yay!

**It took me like a week to write this. I've not taken this long since I was in middle school! Anyhoo, I think the next one's coming tomorrow or the day after. I'm really eager to write it.**

**By the way, Gonzales was mentioned in a fic of mine that I wrote before, except that he was wearing a wig and lipstick. Lovely image, no? I never got to putting it up, because I think it still needs serious revamping. You might see it sometime. I dunno.**

**Review please! **


	2. Task 2: Make Coffee

**Next chapter! I expect this one to be a **_**lot **_**shorter, but just as good as the last one!**

**Disclaimer: (Insert Disclaimer here.)**

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Task 2) Make coffee. Simple enough. Right? Right.

Ianto quickly scurried away from Tosh and the others, heading straight for the coffee machine.

"Okay, okay," he muttered to himself. "I need to do something to apologize to Jack." He closed his eyes, thinking. "He can't have gotten over it that fast. Maybe I could just…"

Quickly, Ianto pulled out three of the four regular coffee mugs. Instead of Jack's mug, he pulled out a white porcelain cup. When the coffee was ready, he poured the drinks for Tosh, Owen, and Suzie like he usually did. Jack's on the other hand, got special treatment. Espresso, steamed milk, chocolate…

When Ianto restocked the coffee for the first time, he'd gone all out, buying anything that could make a coffee-related drink and various other things that could go on top. He wasn't really sure why, but now, he was glad he did.

Ianto pulled out a can of whipped cream, topping the café mocha expertly. He sprinkled dark chocolate shavings liberally over the light cream. He even pulled out two sticks of some of the best dark chocolate, sticking them into the cup. He never gave them to anyone else. They were more of a guilty pleasure for his own satisfaction. Often, when he would make the others their coffee, he would take one or two and eat them, or make something special for himself. Of course, that was only when he had time, but it was very relaxing when he did.

Carefully, Ianto placed each cup on his round silver tray. Toshiko's no nonsense indigo mug, Owen's #1 Mom mug (the Welshman still couldn't fathom _why_ Owen had a #1 Mom mug), Suzie's green and red Christmas mug which she flat out refused to get rid of, and finally, Jack's decked out half-circle cup. He organized everything for maximum balance and picked the sturdy tray up, making sure nothing spilled.

Standing up straight, Ianto closed his eyes and sighed. He was going to get hell for this.

As soon as he walked into view of his teammates, he knew things were going to go bad. They all had their gazes focused on the delicious mocha, the scent wafting straight to their nostrils. They each had different, hopeful expressions on their faces as he approached. They all hoped that it was, for some reason, for them. Their faces soon turned disappointed as they spotted and were handed their respective mugs. Owen even sent an angry pout Ianto's way as he departed.

Last stop… Ianto stood frozen, facing Jack's office. The lone mocha rested tauntingly on the tray. The young man gulped, mustering up the courage to take a step forward. Timidly, Ianto knocked on Jack's door.

"Come in!" Jack's voice boomed from inside.

Ianto made sure to keep his focus on the ground. "Your coffee, sir," he mumbled, setting the small white cup on Jack's cluttered (but no longer dusty) desk.

"Oh, what's this?" Jack took the cup graciously. He breathed in the chocolaty aroma, sighing contentedly. Closing his lips around the whipped cream, Jack took the top off the fluffy topping. "What's this for, Ianto?" he asked, seductively licking the cream off his lips.

Ianto dared not look up. "I wanted to apologize… for before," he muttered hastily. Directly after, he turned and left the office.

Ianto almost thought he'd gotten away without out a hitch until he heard loud, pounding footsteps behind him. He knew who it was without even looking and he grimaced. He held the tray close to his body, almost like a shield, cringing in preparation for what he was going to get.

Two seconds later, he felt a rough hand on his shoulder. Not one second after, Jack stuck his head from his office, whipped cream covering his mouth. The hand spun Ianto around to face a disgruntled Owen just as Jack called, "Hey Ianto! Apology accepted!"

It took all his willpower not to die right there. Task Two: Complete. Task Three: Avoid Owen.

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Like that's going to happen!

**Check out my pro for a DeviantArt link! I highly suggest it! I'm illustrating each of these chapters, and I already have both pictures for chapters one and two up! Please check 'em out!**

**Please, please review! I'd love it!**


	3. Task 3: Avoid Owen

**Oh, I'm so sorry for the long wait! I put it off for a few days, and then I found myself unable to do anything at all. On a lighter note, I finally got a new flash drive! My other one had broken, and I entered into a mad dash to get all my files onto the desktop before they were kaput. So now, my sis's laptop is not required for me to write! Yay! And as an apology for being late, I give you two chapters. Unfortunately, both, I predict, will be rather short. And I won't get my illustrations up any time soon. The only reason I got both up so fast is because I had all day to work on them. Now that my fall break is over, I have no more time. Oh well. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood or its characters.**

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Task 3) Avoid Owen. For God's sake and at all costs, AVOID OWEN!

"Hello Owen," Ianto said as calmly as he could. Owen was glaring at him. Why? It was just a drink!

"Why'd he get the special one?" Owen asked harshly, obviously not hearing Jack's shout. "It's not fair. That thing looked delicious! Couldn't you have made more?"

"Er, no?" Ianto stepped back a millimeter.

"What? Are you trying to earn some special favors with the boss? Well?!"

"I uh… I gotta… go… that way…" Ianto pointed with both hands to his left.

"Oh no you don't," Owen growled.

Ianto thought quickly. "Oh my God!" he gasped, pointing to an area behind Owen's head. He must've been very convincing, because the doctor turned to look. When he looked back in front of him, Ianto was gone. In his place was a round metal tray that he'd left to clatter to the floor.

From behind his hiding place, Ianto let out a breath. He _really_ didn't like Owen. Glancing around, he saw Suzie and Toshiko watching Owen in mild amusement.

"Now what do I do?" Ianto muttered to himself. Was he supposed to avoid Owen the whole day?

Why had Owen gotten so mad in the first place? It was just a damn cup of coffee! He was seriously overreacting. Right? Right. And still, Ianto ran like a frightened, albeit very clever, child meaning to stash himself away. Come to think of it, during his _brilliantly _planned escape, he'd not paid attention to where he'd actually run to.

_Well, Ianto. That can be solved rather simply,_ he thought. _LOOK._

And look he did.

"Oh, you can't be serious," he muttered ironically, staring upwards. The oh-so-convenient hiding spot the Welshman chose was, in fact, right next to the almost invisible ladder that led up to Myfanwy's cave. "This is like some poorly written novel."

He sighed resignedly, wrapping one hand around the ladder rung.

Task Three: Successful enough. Task Four: Investigate Myfanwy's disappearing fecal matter.

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Okay, so number one of two is done. Even I didn't expect it to be that short… Short and sweet? No. Just short. Could you review anyways? Pretty please?


	4. Task 4: Investigate

**And as I promised, another chapter update. But this is where my ideas start to fly away from me. I beg them to stay and have dinner, but they decide they'd rather go off, cavorting in a field of flowers, than help me with my problem. Damn plot bunnies. When you have 'em, they bite you (hard). When you need them, they go off to gather pollen.**

**Actually, this one will be longer than number three. I just felt like spewing out words.**

**And the ladder? It's always been there. I swear. Sure there's no visual proof, but who needs that anymore?**

**Disclaimer: Don't own… **_**mumble grumble**_

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Task 4) Investigate the disappearing pterodactyl poo, to put it simply.

Ianto didn't move. It was either that he lacked to motivation at that point to scale all the way up to the cave, or that he was considering any consequences to his soon-to-come actions. He thought it was a little of both. He'd climbed the ladder only twice before out of necessity. Both times was to help Myfanwy. There were the repercussions, thought. It wasn't that he wanted pterodactyl droppings everywhere, falling into the coffee and dirtying up the Hub past any sort of salvation; it was more that he was worried for Myfanwy. He'd grown quite attached to the prehistoric beast, and she seemed to like him better than the others. If he found out that dubious alien technology was being used and was possibly threatening Myfanwy's health, he'd sacrifice the cleanliness of the Hub.

Other than that, he really, really, _really_ didn't want to climb all the way up. First of all, Owen would definitely spot him. The doctor'd probably wait until Ianto was halfway up before throwing something at him. Probably a scalpel. Second, it was extremely high up. Maybe he could replace task five on his list with, "Ask Jack to invest in an easier way to get up to Myfanwy's cave. Ladders are hell." Everyone would be happy, then. Well, mostly Ianto would. But seriously, confronting Owen wasn't necessary, right? Right. He could easily replace that task with another!

Ianto sighed. It was now or never. Rung one… Two… Three... Twenty-four…

Eventually, he was able to reach the artificial cavern, his arms aching. Myfanwy was silent. She'd probably heard him coming and was waiting to attack the unsuspecting Welshman. He made sure he had that bar of dark chocolate in his pocket. He always kept one there until he saw Myfanwy in the morning. Either she'd seek him out, or he'd call for her (she now recognized that she was 'Myfanwy'). Luckily, he'd remembered to tuck it in there.

Ianto threw his hands to the edge of the cave. He hoisted himself up enough for his head to be visible through the cave mouth. He scanned the area, and very nearly fell down in complete and utter shock.

Myfanwy was sleeping, her giant head resting against her chest. No… that wasn't what surprised him. Deep in the back of Myfanwy's home, in one dark and lonely corner, stood a shiny white porcelain toilet.

Ianto just stood there, frozen, for a while. His mouth was hanging open slightly, his eyebrows furrowed. He lowered himself, blocking his view of the toilet. _No way. There is no way in hell. _He pulled himself up once more, as if to see if the toilet was still there. It was.

"You know what?" Ianto grumbled. "I'm not even going to ask. It's not worth my sanity."

One thing Ianto knew: there was absolutely no way that the reason the Hub was free from Myfanwy's waste was because she'd somehow learned to use a toilet. Also, there was absolutely no way that that particular flush toilet could be connected with the Hub plumbing. Absolutely. No. Way.

"You will just ignore this whole thing," Ianto told himself calmly as he descended to the Hub below. "It doesn't matter anymore. Just be thankful you won't have to clean up after her. Just forget it."

"What are you doing up there, Ianto?" For the second time, Ianto nearly fell to his death.

The now-irate Welshman slowly turned his head, getting a _pterodactyl_-eye view of the Hub. And Jack. He was the one who called. He gripped the rungs so hard, his knuckles were turning white. Now that he'd been interrupted, he couldn't seem to move.

"Ianto-o-oh?" Jack shouted again. By now, Ianto noticed, Owen had turned his gaze upwards, spying the young man.

"Sir?" He called back, his voice wavering slightly. "I'm trying to get down! Can we talk then?"

"Fine! Just!" Jack paused. "Don't!" another pause. "FALL!"

Ianto cringed, holding the ladder even tighter. Slowly, he made his way down to the ground, letting out a sigh of relief.

Jack ran up to the Welshman. "What were you doping in Myfanwy's cave, Ianto?" Jack asked.

Ianto sighed inwardly. _There goes the whole, 'Ignore it,' thing._ "Well, sir," the Welshman began, "I've noticed that while we have a pet pterodactyl, we don't have the unpleasant waste that usually goes along with having one. I was looking into it."

"Hmm, I've been wondering about that too. You should ask Owen. He probably has something to do with it," Jack said, shrugging. He turned, heading for his office.

"And sir?" Ianto added quickly.

"Yes?" Jack raised an eyebrow at the younger man.

"Do you know why there's a toilet in Myfanwy's cave?" _And away flies the 'Don't ask about it,' part._

Jack chuckled. "Oh, that! Well, like I said, I noticed it before. I didn't feel it had top priority, though."

"But that doesn't explain-"

Jack interrupted him. "I'm not done. While I have yet to get to that mystery, I decided it would be fun to install a toilet in her cave. It doesn't work, obviously. Maybe you can solve it." With that, Jack strode off, as if that was explanation enough.

"Alright, sir," Ianto said quietly after him.

So, Jack had not, in fact, found a convoluted way to rid the Hub of Pterodactyl poo. He just decided to put a completely unnecessary toilet in a cave. And now that the subject was brought up again, he'd have to talk to the others. Owen was first since, as stated before, he was the prime suspect. And Ianto was really hoping he'd be able to steer clear of that one.

Ianto sighed for what seemed like the millionth time that day.

Task Four: Yet to be completed. Ongoing into task five. Task Five: Confront Owen.

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Indeed, this chapter did turn out much longer than expected. I'm very happy with it. It's fun to imagine Myfanwy having a toilet.

**What was so frustrating was that there are like three synonyms I could use for pterodactyl poo, and I had to mention that a lot! I really don't like over-using words (unless absolutely necessary).**

**Well, I hope this at least somewhat makes up for my lengthy absence (It doesn't, does it?).**

**PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE review for both chapters! Love and kisses!**


	5. Task 5: Find the Perpetrator

**Yes, yes, yes! I am updating again! No, no, no! I've got to study! AARRRGH! Inner turmoil! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH! (I feel like ripping something up.)**

…**Eh… Yeah. Weekend soon. Might get a piccy or two up, if I'm lucky. And to explain something: Owen plus Ianto equals :( But Owen's bitchiness is mostly due to the fact that he's in a very foul mood in this fic. (I said Owen is bithcy. Tee hee.)**

**Disclaimer: (see: I dun friggen own it.)**

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Task 5) Confront Owen about the matter of Myfanwy.

Briskly, Ianto turned on his heel, heading for the autopsy bay. What was he going to say? 'Hey Owen, just wonderin', since you're not all pissed at me or anything, if you're using some of the alien tech against the rules on Myfanwy? No. Alright. That's fine. How 'bout I go make you a nummy coffee? How's that sound? Brilliant!' _Riiiiiiigghhht. Why not bait myself to a weevil as well? It'll have about the same results._

Today, of all days, was a bloody terrible day. Ianto just wanted to go home, but he'd made a list and he intended to finish it. "Even if it gets me killed," he grumbled, stopping at the top of the autopsy bay steps.

Owen apparently heard him. The doctor spun around on his chair, facing the Welshman. "Did you say something?"

"No, nothing," Ianto affirmed.

"Then what the hell do you want, tea-boy?" Ianto cringed at the name Owen had so lovingly bestowed upon him. It didn't even make sense. Generally, Ianto made coffee. Not tea. He made tea once, and that was because they were out of coffee.

The young man cleared his throat in preparation. "Have you noticed anything strange about Myfanwy?" he asked.

Owen gave Ianto a questioning look. Nonetheless, he snorted, "That oversized lizard-bird? Why would I care? All I can say is that I'm happy it's not shitting on my desk anymore."

Ianto hesitated. It didn't seem like the medic was lying. "Sorry, then. I'll let you get back to work…"

"Whatever."

_If it wasn't Owen… I know it wasn't Jack… It couldn't be one of the women, could it?_ He glanced at the two, hard at work. _I suppose I'll have to ask anyhow._

Ianto walked to Toshiko first, seeing as she was so much closer. She was typing furiously, almost oblivious to the world around her. Her hands were flying over the keyboard, and Ianto was half afraid that if he interrupted her, they would detach or something.

Luckily, Toshiko noticed him, saving him the trouble of getting her attention. "Oh, Ianto. Can I help you with something?"

"Yes, sorry. How was the coffee?" he began. Ianto decided this was far more awkward that asking Owen.

"Delicious as always." Ianto silently cheered that she did not mention Jack's coffee. "Is that all?" She glanced up at him curiously.

Ianto glanced around, though he was unsure why. "No. Do you…" he paused. How was he going to phrase this? 'Notice how you haven't been seeing much poo around?' Of course not! "…know about anything going on with Myfanwy? I think someone may be misusing alien tech, and I have to find out who it is." At least it didn't sound like he was accusing her of anything.

Toshiko frowned. "I'm sorry. I don't know a thing. I've been really busy lately. I'll tell you if I find out anything," the Japanese woman answered truthfully.

Ianto exhaled. "Thank you." Tosh returned to her work, and Ianto left her desk.

As he approached Suzie (who at the moment was holding a blowtorch), Ianto couldn't help but wonder if Suzie was the actual culprit. It hadn't even crossed his mind. It was near-impossible, right? Right. Suzie adored Myfanwy. She was the one who developed the protein sauce they used to help Myfanwy identify her food.

"Suzie?" Ianto called, keeping his distance from the sparks and flame.

"Oh, Ianto? What do you need?" Suzie asked, lifting up her mask.

The younger man shifted on his feet. "It's about Myfanwy."

"Oh," Suzie chuckled. "Is that why you were up there?"

"Yes. I've noticed that… eh…" He'd never really planned to say anything to the others.

"You've noticed she's not dropping waste everywhere," Suzie stated matter-of-factly.

Ianto looked surprised. "Yes. You've been doing this?"

"Yes. I thought it would become a problem, so I asked Jack if I could fiddle with some of the stuff we have. When Jack put in the toilet, though I can't fathom _why_, it was lucky, I guess. See, with all that junk, I created a nice little piece of equipment," she explained. "It has a bit of psychological components, and it psychically compels Myfanwy to stay in her cave if ever she needs to defecate. After she leaves… ZAP!" she cried, causing Ianto to jump. "Poo problem solved. Mind you, it's completely harmless to Myfanwy. I made sure to program it to only fire at her feces."

"And you hid it in the toilet?" Ianto asked rather skeptically.

Suzie nodded, her curls bouncing with her head.

"Alright. I guess I'll, uh, go then," Ianto said slowly.

"See ya, then."

The Welshman shook his head, walking away confused. He had no idea that anything like that could actually be made and stuck in a toilet. _Sounds like some badly thought up dues ex machina._ Sure, it was alien tech, just as he'd thought, but it couldn't have been that simple. Then again, this whole day had been terribly strange in all aspects, and it made absolutely no sense whatsoever. Ianto was seriously beginning to believe that Owen did, if fact, spike _something_ of his with _some_ kind of drug. That seemed to be the only reasonable explanation,

Once again lost in his thought, Ianto, once again, did not see the person in front of him as he was walking, and, once again, ran into them, once again falling on his bum.

"Oh, Ianto. Fancy seeing you here again." Once again, he was face to very low face with Jack. How convenient.

Task Five: Deus ex machina'd. Task Six: Ask Jack about the SUV.

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**Chapter five! Yay! I'm feeling very good right now, despite the fact that I thought this chapter was just **_**okay**_**. I think that's because, as I mentioned in the chapter one AN, this was originally meant to be a oneshot. When I decided to make it longer, I forgot that there are some of the numbers on the list that would make impossibly short chapters (for example, task 2: Make coffee.). Therefore, I have to think of a clever way to drag it out on the spot (for example, task 2: make coffee - suck up to the boss and tick off your coworker). I think I'm doing rather well, though.**

**Please tell me what you think! You know you want to! I love all your reviews. (By the way, thank you to all who reviewed for the last two chapters! They really were great! I got the motivation to write on because of them!)**

**You've just been dues ex machina'd!**


	6. Task 6: Ask About the SUV

**God! I'm so sorry! I'm totally unreliable when it comes to updating, I guess. But, this means I haven't say, fallen off the edge of the Earth or anything. Life has just gotten in the way lately. What can you do when your activities range from manual labor on Saturday, school and play practice on Monday, an Academic Team meet Tuesday, **_**and**_** teaching religion class after more play practice Wednesday? Abso-freakin'-lutely nothing. Sunday, I might've had time, but I spent it all working on the illustrations. I finished them for chapters three and four, if you want to check them out. But hey! Since this is another short chapter, you'll be gettin' two again!**

**Anyhoo, there will be references to the second chapter of my other fic The SUV. It won't be anything major; I just felt it would be appropriate, given the subject matter of this chapter. Another note: In this chapter, after being so bitchy, Owen just doesn't care anymore. He doesn't want to go through the trouble of anything.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood.**

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Task 6) Ask Jack about the SUV.

"I'm sorry, sir. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going," Ianto muttered.

"Obviously," Jack chuckled, pulling Ianto to his feet. "Did you solve the mystery yet?"

Ianto nodded. "You'll have to ask Suzie if you want the details."

"Alright then. I'll go now."

"Actually, I have something I need to ask you," the Welshman interjected.

"Shoot," Jack said.

"The other day, Toshiko mentioned something about adding on to the SUV. I want to know if it's really necessary. Doesn't it have enough in it already?" Ianto really didn't want to have to take the time to put something in a car that he was possible only going to enter for cleaning. Whatever he added would most probably be far from essential anyways. Right? Right.

"Of course it's necessary!" Jack exclaimed, turning to walk to his office. Ianto hurried after him. "Everyone has put something in ever since Owen bought the SUV! It's basically tradition!"

"Someone say my name?" Owen called from the autopsy bay.

Jack walked over and looked at the doctor. "Yes. Help me out here, Owen. Ianto doesn't want to add anything to the Hub! Can you believe that?" Ianto came up behind him.

Owen gave out an exasperated sigh. "Should probably give in right now, tea-boy. Don't want anyone to get hurt, least of all, me!" he grumbled. "How 'bout you just install a coffee maker in there and be done with it?" he sniggered at the Welshman.

Ianto glared at Owen, turning on his heel to leave. "You'll have to add something sooner or later!" Jack said after him.

_Portable coffee maker! What a ridiculous idea!_ Ianto shook his head. _And in a Range Rover, no less._

He was once again going the same direction he'd gone several times that day. Basically, he was wandering aimlessly around the Hub; his only purpose was to be the lackey of the Torchwood employees. _Joy,_ he thought sarcastically. It was really getting on his usually resilient nerves. It would look to any of the others like he had nothing to do, but since Owen had mentioned coffee (rather, a coffee maker), Ianto realized he was at number seven on his list. Perhaps after he made the coffee, he'd go buy an air freshener or something for the SUV.

Task Six: Complete, albeit with unsatisfactory results. Task Seven: Make coffee (again).

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There it is. Can you believe such a short chapter took so damn long?

**Review please and go on to the next chapter!**


	7. Task 7: Make Coffee AGAIN

**And the next chapter is now!**

**Disclaimer: I never will own Torchwood.**

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Task 7) Make coffee (again).

The cups of coffee he was about to make were what Ianto always liked to call 'refills.' By now, everyone would be done with their first cup. Whether it was by experience (Owen and Jack begging for new cups) or by common sense, Ianto came to always make a second batch. This time of the day was always hardest for the team.

Ianto headed up the stairs to the coffee machine. He was starting to get a migraine. _Maybe investing in an early retirement wouldn't be such a bad idea… Well, _after_ Lisa gets healed._

The young man rubbed his temples, trying to soothe his throbbing head. Maybe he was going into caffeine withdrawal. He had yet to even drink his first cup of coffee. He'd been so focused on making Jack's perfect, that he'd forgotten all about making one for himself. Then one thing led to another, and he was back again.

"Yes, coffee sound good," he muttered. That would make him feel so much better.

The Welshman began to fiddle with the machine, getting everything just right. He brought out everyone's cups. Each person had two mugs. He set out Tosh's _other_ no-nonsense indigo mug (She had two identical ones.), Suzie's hot, retina burning pink mug (Pink was not her color, which led Ianto to the question of why she had a mug of that color. Perhaps she was purposefully trying to get rid of his eyesight.), and finally, Owen's "#1 Alien Hunter" mug (Ianto was simply flabbergasted with this one. There was no way that companies actually _made_ "#1 Alien Hunter" mugs. He really wanted to know where Owen got his mugs.).

Everything seemed fine until the coffee machine began to sputter. The next thing he knew, there was an ear-splitting _**BOOM!**_ and Ianto was thrown backwards.

Ianto pulled down his arms. He'd been using them as protection from…

"Oh God!" he gasped. The- _His_ coffee maker had just… just… _exploded_! Coffee makers didn't just explode, right? Right?! RIGHT?! Apparently, not right.

"Ianto! Ianto! What happened?" Jack ran up to Ianto through the slowly dispersing smoke. He waved an arm to dispel the thick black haze.

"I- I- I don't-" Ianto couldn't seem to finish his sentence. There were no words for a moment like this. "It… blew up."

"What blew… wait, the coffee machine?!" Jack gasped. He stared, horrified, at the obliterated device. The expression mirrored the one that Ianto had on. Both of them gaped, mouths wide open, not really sure what to do.

"I was just getting coffee and then…" Ianto shook his head in disbelief. "Boom."

"What does this mean?" Jack asked in a hushed tone.

"I think it means… no coffee," Ianto replied. He had yet to even attempt to get up. He was pretty sure his whole front was black from the explosion.

"What?!" Jack's attention was immediately redirected to the Welshman.

"I think… I think I should go…" Ianto said hesitantly.

"What?" Jack spun fully to face him.

"I'm going to buy things to fix it… if it can be fixed." Ianto grabbed the railing, pulling himself off. He dusted himself off the best he could.

"But it had alien tech in it!" Jack pointed out.

"Which is probably why it exploded," Ianto sighed. "I do whatever I can."

"I hope it can be salvaged," Jack groaned.

"Yes, I do too. I think I'm going to go before Owen kills me," Ianto said, cringing. He was actually wondering why Jack was the only one who'd come up.

"That would probably be a good idea…" Jack replied.

"I'll pick up some coffee on my way back," Ianto called back to Jack.

"Yeah. Great…" The Captain stared dejectedly at the smoking machine as Ianto left.

Ianto hurried out of the Hub. He was actually relieved to be out, even if it was to do another Torchwood-related job.

_While I'm out, I guess I can..._

Task Seven: Failed. May never be completed again. Ever. Task Eight: Buy a black flip notebook (and now some other things…).

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And viola! I didn't expect it to be this long… I hope you can forgive me for my absence, _**again**_**… **_**BOOM!**_

**Please, **_**please**_** review!**


	8. Task 8: Buy a Flip Notebook

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OH NO! I'MSOSORRY! Though, this time, it wasn't my fault! Apparently, sis's laptop had like a million Trojan viruses or sumthin. So, I had it shut off for three days, and the rest were spent de-bugging it. My dad had to do it, because I can't fix computers… There is a bright side! For those of you who actually bother to look at my illustrations, I finished all of them from tasks five to ten because of all my free time. (I was constantly whining about going through computer withdrawal.) STILL! This one is gonna be rather long! You won't be getting a second one, because it would take more time, and I doubt you wanna wait.

**Anyhoo, I dunno what I was doing, but I saw some screen caps from "Meat" and I nearly spazzed. I hadn't realized the first time I watched it that Ianto had a black flip notebook. So yeah…**

**This chapter has LINE BREAKS! AAAAGH!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood at all.**

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Task 8) Buy a little black flip notebook (among other things).

Once he left the Hub, the initial shock of the explosion had worn off. Ianto was feeling thoroughly pissed. It seemed like everything bad that could ever happen in one day had happened to him. Why did he have the bright idea to make a list in the first place? Why couldn't he just sit quietly in the tourist center like usual? Why?!

He decided it wasn't worth contemplating at that time. He was going to finish the list, and be done with it.

Ianto decided to take the SUV, even though he didn't really like it. He always thought it was rather bulky. But right then, he didn't care. With any luck, there'd be a few smaller cars that decided to get in his way, and the SUV could just eat them. That would probably make him feel so much better.

Ianto got the car started and began to drive. He wasn't sure where he would go first. He needed to buy supplies to fix the coffee machine, a vacuum, a black flip notebook, and for the hell of it, something for the SUV. He decided to buy the flip notebook first, seeing as it would probably be the easiest to get.

As he was driving, Ianto realized he was gripping the wheel so hard, his knuckles were turning white. He was glaring at the road, probably committing several traffic violations while he drove. He really didn't care. If anyone stopped him, he could just say he was Torchwood, or claim that he had an invisible pregnant wife who was about to give birth in the back, and that he needed to get to the hospital fast. That, of course, was malarkey. But he. Didn't. Care.

Soon enough, Ianto found himself in a car park. He was in the furthest space from the shop. He rested his grimy forehead against the steering wheel, taking a deep breath. This was the most stressful day he'd ever encountered. He sat up, removing his coat. He threw it on the passenger side seat. It was very nearly destroyed by the explosion. His shirt was in no better condition. Where his coat had been open, there was a stripe of black down his front. His favorite crimson tie was in the same soot-covered state. He'd have to throw out the whole suit.

Ianto exited the SUV, slamming the door. The young man took out his handkerchief, attempting to wipe his face clean. When he looked back at the cloth, it was completely covered in black. Ianto frowned heavily. He stuffed the handkerchief back in his pocket, leaning down to look at himself in the wing mirror of the car. His eyes widened at the sight. He looked completely frazzled. His hair was everywhere, and he still had traces of the explosion on his face. Ianto attempted to smooth down his hair, with limited success.

Clenching his fists tightly by his sides, Ianto righted himself. He closed his eyes, breathing in and out slowly.

"I don't care anymore. I just don't care anymore," he growled.

Making sure he had plenty of money, Ianto began to walk to the shop. He was completely aware that he was attracting stares from people. He, after all, was walking around in normally nice clothes, completely ruined by a coffee machine explosion. He was most likely giving off a vibe that just oozed 'murder.' There was a scowl on his face that made anyone who looked at him turn their head away in fright.

While inside, Ianto easily found what he wanted, silently thanking God for his small mercies. He picked up one of the notebooks, observing it closely. If he was getting one, it had to be sturdy. It couldn't be rendered defunct after one or two alien attacks. Ianto seriously doubted there was any kind strong enough for that!

_Actually_, Ianto considered. He grabbed five more.

The Welshman tossed the black notepads casually in front of the cashier. The woman looked up at him nervously. She stared at his charred face, hesitantly ringing up the items.

Ianto walked back to the SUV, slightly satisfied. At least the notebooks hadn't somehow turned into a dangerous alien that attempted to eat him.

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He had to go to seven different places to get what he needed, and that was just for the coffee machine. Glancing at his watch, Ianto saw that it had taken him two full hours. He groaned, slamming his head against the wheel of the car. Luckily, it landed right where the horn button was. A loud, blaring horn sounded, getting him several stares. Ianto didn't move his head. He just let the horn go.

"Of course!" he grumbled bitterly. "This is just my luck!"

He lifted his head, cutting off the annoying noise. "Did I do something terrible in a past life?" Ianto asked, casting his eyes to the car ceiling. "Is this karma biting me in the arse?"

Wearily, Ianto pushed open the door.

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Ianto headed to pay for the items he'd picked up. He'd somehow found a vacuum cleaner, items to stock up the Hub kitchen area, and even something for the SUV in the same place. (It all seemed much too convenient to him.)

He paid, still with plenty of money remaining. He tried to hurry away, adamant to return to the Hub without anything else happening to him.

Of course, that meant something would.

"Ah!"

"Fuck!"

"Oh my God! I'm so sorry!"

So, Ianto ended up on the ground, yet again. The Welshman was facedown, his stuff strewn around him, pell-mell. In his desperate rush for the SUV, he'd run into a woman. Of course, Ianto fell while she was simply thrown a little off balance.

"Are you alright?" the woman cried at the unmoving Ianto.

_God, I don't care anymore. I'll just lie here and wait to die. I won't even bother…_ Ianto thought cynically.

"Sir? SIR!" the woman shrieked, scared that she'd somehow killed Ianto.

"WHAT?!" he snapped, his face still buried in the blacktop. He could hear the woman take a step back. He immediately felt guilty. He couldn't take out his annihilated nerves on an innocent woman.

Ianto groaned. He pushed himself up off he ground. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I haven't been having the best of days." He began to gather his things.

The woman took in his exhausted appearance. "I can tell."

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When Ianto arrived back at the Hub, his arms were full of the things he'd bought. He could barely get himself in. In one arm were the huge vacuum cleaner box and shopping bags. On the other, Ianto had slung his coat round the crook of his elbow, his hand supporting four coffees.

As soon as the cog door opened, the other three Torchwood employees rushed to him. Owen immediately grabbed for his coffee, but Ianto pulled them away. The women had questions.

"Where were you? We thought you'd disappeared," Tosh said.

"Yeah. Jack said you were taken away by the rift," Suzie added.

"You look terrible. Did something happen?" Tosh asked.

"Why won't you give me my coffee? We've been waiting for hours! What took you so long?" Owen griped.

Ianto was silent. He simply dropped the box and bags on the floor, ignoring his co-workers. He strode to the nearest flat surface, the others following closely after. Ianto grabbed one of the coffees, intending to take it to Jack. The others, he dropped a few centimeters from the air onto the table. One tipped over, spilling. The others sloshed around dangerously.

"Oi!" Owen complained as the women took the two upright coffees. "Tea-boy!"

Shoulders slightly hunched with irritation, Ianto walked to Jack's office, ignoring the medic.

Task Eight: Complete via the worst. Shopping trip. Ever! Task Nine: Get Jack to do his paperwork.

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This is Ianto when he's utterly PISSED! The frustration was finally setting in. I added a bit more Deus Ex Machina in there. I'm shameless. Really.

**The matching illustration will be up on DA.**

**The whole thing with the SUV eating another car is somewhat of an in-joke for me. We have this HUGE old white van that just takes up both sides of the rode. I always comment on how it looks like it could just eat the other cars on the road.**

**Even though I've been gone for a very long time, I hope you review! S'il vous plait!**


	9. Task 9: Get Jack To Do His Paperwork

**Sorry 'bout the wait. I was planning on updating a few days ago or something. I've been a bit busy what with opening night of my play and the other performances.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood.**

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Task 9) Ask (tell) Jack to do his paperwork.

Ianto stopped in front of Jack's closed door. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He knocked lightly. He then opened the door.

As he stuck his head through the doorway, he caught a glimpse of Jack. The captain had one eye closed in concentration, a paper airplane in his hand.

"Sir, I-" Before Ianto could finish, Jack threw the paper in his direction. The paper bounced harmlessly off the Welshman's forehead.

"Doesn't anyone here knock anymore?" Jack griped.

"I did," Ianto replied simply.

"Oh! Ianto," the captain said, surprised. "Sorry about…" He glanced at the folded paper. "…that."

"It's fine," Ianto said tightly. He bent down, grabbing the paper airplane.

"God, Ianto. You look like shit. Are you okay?"

The younger man shook his head. "Truthfully, I look better than I did a few hours ago."

"Speaking of that, I thought you weren't coming back," Jack commented.

"I must admit, it was rather hard to find some of the things I needed," Ianto half growled, thinking back at the not-so-pleasant shopping trip. He carefully unfolded the paper in his hand. "Sir! This is-! This was due months ago! It's very important!"

Jack just shrugged. "Oh well. What did you need, Ianto and is that for me?" he asked, pointing to the cup in Ianto's hand.

The Welshman sighed, placing the cup on his boss's desk. "Sir. You need to finish you paperwork. You're very behind. I don't think we can survive another inquiry from UNIT."

"Eh…" Jack looked around guiltily. "Actually, Ianto… Could you do them…? I mean… If you're not busy." The captain gathered up the pile of paperwork on his desk, dumping them in Ianto's arms. This showed he was not asking, he was more or less commanding.

Ianto thought quickly. "Actually, sir, I am busy. I have something that simply needs doing and I have no idea how long it will take. I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to do it," Ianto commented, dropping the pile back on Jack's desk. He then quickly exited Jack's office.

Triumphantly, Ianto retrieved one of his new black flip notebooks. He wrote down every one of the tasks, crossing out the ones he'd completed. With a look of victory on his face, Ianto crossed out task 9. He smirked. Although, his success was short lived when he realized what the next task was.

Task Nine: Complete. Actually complete! Task Ten: Revisit Task One.

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**This'll be fun…**

**Illustration's up!**

**Review please!**


	10. Task 10: Finish Task One

**Alright! Last Chapter! Brace yourselves!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood or its characters.**

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Final Task: Finish task 1.

Clean the Hub… Again… Ianto let out a heavy breath. _Dear God, I won't survive this, will I?_

The Welshman gulped, an image of the biological mess that was residing in the corner appearing in his mind. It was apparently a failed experiment of Owen's, a step up from his coffee mug ones. This one... Ew. That's the only thing that could have described it. Ew.

He knew the new vacuum cleaner he'd bought would be of absolutely no use in this situation. For the next ten minutes, Ianto went on a quest for some sort of weapon to arm himself with against the mass of rotting… stuff. Just like with the cleaning implements, weapons that _wouldn't_ destroy the Hub and all its inhabitants seemed to be very hard to find. He'd _have_ to talk to Jack about that. Later. Ianto _did_ find a sword, though he was a bit hesitant in using it. Luckily, he found something else a moment later.

"A baseball bat?" So, the Hub didn't have any kind of cleaning supplies or things to properly arm oneself against biological experiments, yet it had a rather old-looking baseball bat_ and_ weapons of complete and utter destruction (ones that were not to be touched "under any circumstances"). "Wonderful," Ianto muttered bitterly. He swung the bat up, holding it only a small way away from his face. He glared at the bat. He would've preferred a cricket bat. Much better for hitting.

"This will have to do," Ianto groaned, his arms dropping to his sides. He wearily shuffled to where he knew his target was.

_Disgusting!_ The smell of the indescribable heap was sickening. _How long has this been here?_ Ianto shied away from the mass. Uncertainly, the Welshman poked the experiment with the bat. A small shockwave rippled through the flesh-like (or perhaps actual flesh) thing. Some kind of green ooze seeped from huge pores, covering the tip of Ianto's bat. A noise that was very much like a moan emitted from within the lump.

"Oh God!" Ianto gagged, turning away.

"So," Ianto heard. He looked up to see a grinning Owen. "I see you've met Meryl."

"Meryl?" Ianto choked. "You named it?" He cast a revolted look at the pulsating rot.

"Yes, and you're disturbing her," Owen cackled.

"That's disgusting," Ianto spat.

"You're going to hurt her feelings!" Owen was laughing so hard by that point, that he was clutching his abdomen.

"Owen," Ianto heard Suzie call. "Stop being such a twat!" Though the Welshman could only hear half-seriousness in her voice.

Suddenly, the bat seemed to be sucked into the fleshy heap. Ianto was pulled down a bit as the bat sunk in deeper. Some of the ooze squirted onto his already filthy shirt. He could hear Owen's breathless hoots of laughter. By then, the other three team members had come to watch Ianto struggle. They had even descended down to his level for a closer view. Jack seemed amused, as did Suzie. Tosh looked slightly revolted, but curious. Owen was wiping away his tears. Feeling close to wretching, Ianto yanked the bat back to him, pulling it free.

"Oh… Oh God… Tea-boy…" Owen gasped between guffaws.

Ianto narrowed his eyes, glaring at the insensitive medic. He'd had _enough_! Trying to keep his breathing steady, he managed to say, "I'll be upstairs," without screaming in frustration.

The Welshman harshly threw the bat to the ground. He shoved past Owen and Suzie, "accidentally" pushing the doctor back. Owen lost his balance, tripping over the baseball bat. With a cry of repugnance, Owen landed right in "Meryl". The young man's action hadn't been lost on the others, all of whom realized what he'd done.

Ianto ignored them. He pulled out his pen and notepad. Instead of crossing out the last bit, Ianto furiously scribbled out the whole page. He irately tossed the notebook behind him, not even caring where it went. The fuming Welshman stormed out the cog door, his teammates gaping at him as he left.

Task Ten: I don't even care anymore!

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And there it is. Ianto finally had enough, returning to the tourist office to go troll the forums… not really.

**I was never planning on it taking this long, but JEEBUS! I'm pretty much satisfied with how everything turned out. Thank you for all of you who actually stuck with me this whole time. I love you all! And for those of you who cared enough, I have all the illustrations up on DeviantArt too!**

**There's a lesson in all of this… somewhere. Maybe it's: Never, ever piss of Ianto. Ever.**

**Review, review, review please!**


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